


Breath in, breath out and pull the trigger

by panhomarek



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: A very confused trained killer and his confusing life, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Amnesia, Captain America: The Winter Soldier Spoilers, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Winter Soldier isn't Bucky but Steve tries and it makes it harder, Work In Progress
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-13
Updated: 2014-04-15
Packaged: 2018-01-19 04:01:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1454617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/panhomarek/pseuds/panhomarek
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>/ Work in progres which means I have no idea where this story would go and how long it would take me to finish it. / </p>
<p>
  <i>“Your name is James Barnes.”  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>"No"</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>"Then who you are?" </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>He didn't answer that. </i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello there. This is WIP and I have no beta (but if you are by any miracle interested to became one please message me and I will be really really happy <3). 
> 
> English isn't my first language and I am sorry if something is wrong. (Just tell me what and why and I will change it!)

Sometimes, he doesn’t know who he is. Who he was.

_Bucky._

His target. Blond man, tall and strong, dressed in blue and with shield. He remembers how the man fell and he can recall his own fear in that one moment. It is the only memory he has now and it is bright and living. Not the first time he was afraid and on the edge of panic attack – he can’t sit on the chairs, not with all of his body on the seat without panicking – but he had never been so scared.

(It is a funny thing now, because when he thinks he had never done something, he can’t be really sure. Not when he doesn’t know how many loops his mind has. And he knows, because he isn’t just another stupid soldier, that his mind has some. He doesn’t remember what he was doing three days ago.)

It felt wrong, so wrong disobeying orders they gave him. The man was his target, nothing more, yet, he couldn’t let him die. He didn’t know why.  He still doesn’t know why.  

_You are my friend!_

He remembers how he had saved him and it felt both wrong and right and he couldn’t think when he looked at the man’s face. It was so confusing.

What is a soldier without his orders?

It doesn’t really matter now. He has been a fool, disobeying his orders, sparing his target’s life. And for what? Where did it bring him? To another cage. He remembers war and he remembers pain and fear and blood and… He’s panicking again. His chest is rising with such rapidity it scares him more and more with each short breath.  

They caught him almost instantly after he had pulled the man from the water. He was cold and stiff and he had no idea what he should do next. His mind was clouded, he didn’t pay attention to his surroundings and they shot him with a dart. When he woke up, he was tied to a chair and they had to put him down again because he was breathing so fast. Next time he regained consciousness he wasn’t afraid. His head felt odd and he wanted to laugh but he didn’t know why so he remained still and tried to remember where he was.

“Soldier” he heard someone calling him and he looked in that direction. Another man, in grey suit and with kind plastic smile, was sitting at the other side of the table. “Soldier, can you tell me your name?”

He wanted to say something, because why wouldn’t he? It was only a name, surely it couldn’t hurt to say it but then he hesitated. His mind was blank, he couldn’t recall his name.

“Can you hear me?” Another question, this time a simpler one, so he nodded sharply and shortly, still unsure if he can even speak.

“My name is Phil Coulson and I am your handler now” the man said and he felt a bit calmer. He had a handler so he will soon get a mission and he will finally have a purpose in his life. “Can you remember your last mission?”

His heart skipped a beat.

“Yes” he said, his voice husky, only now he noticed how dry his throat is. “…sir.”  

The man rose his eyebrows at that but said nothing, so he figured out he passed his test. But he still wanted to laugh and his head spun when he looked around the room. His attention slipped from the man and suddenly he couldn’t focus on anything.

“Soldier” he heard again. The man was still in the room, this time he was frowning and it made him more anxious than amused. “Your name is James Barnes.”

_Bucky._

“No” he said, but he didn’t exactly know why. His handler’s frown deepened and he had to let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. “No, it’s not me” he said again, somehow feeling that he should disagree with the man.

“Then who you are?”

He didn’t answer that. He didn’t know and they had him left the room and lead him to another one. Smaller, with a bed and a window that had metal bars. A cell, cage. They left him here and finally he laughed but without any humor.

Then, he panicked because he was in a cage and on his enemies mercy.   

 


	2. Chapter 2

Steve woke up with odd feeling of water in his mouth, completely wet and tired and with a bad, really bad feeling that something went terribly wrong and he has something very important to do.

Coulson was bending over him, checking his pulse and his wounds.

Steve blinked a few times.

“Am I dead?” he asked, partly afraid and partly acceptingly. It made sense, he remembered how he fell from the Helicarrier straight into the water, with a bullet in his stomach. He might be Super Soldier but there has to be a line for his super abilities and for a moment he thought he had found it. Then Couslon spoke with his calm and kind voice.

“No, but your state isn’t good Captain” he said and looked at something to their left that Steve couldn’t see. In fact, he couldn’t move at all and it made him really uneasy. Only Coulson’s presence right next to him reassured him enough to not worry.

“What happened?” _What happened to Bucky?_  Remained unsaid but Coulson knew his childhood idol and he was S.H.I.E.L.D. Agent, he could read between the lines.

“You fell and Winter Soldier pulled you out” Coulson said and Steve had to blink again before his mind processed new information. “Then we took you here.”

Bukcy saved him!

Steve felt like all his troubles disappeared, just for a brief moment he was so happy, so glad that his friend still was there.

“Where is he now?” he asked and this time he managed to move himself into a sitting position. Suddenly the world around him wasn’t only Coulson and his kind smile. They were in hospital and he was linked to some medical equipment, IV and cardiac monitor.

“In our temporary prison. Clint shoot him with anesthesia dart and as far as I know he’s still sleeping. We want to interrogate him and maybe we’ll be able to find out more about HYDRA.”

Steve took a deep breath when full weight of this situation hit him. He was so overwhelmed with Bucky saving him, that he almost forgot about HYDRA’s take over. For a second his mind screamed, unsure if he can trust Coulson or not, but then he realized that it is Couslon. Phil Coulson. Guy that probably would die for him and that started idolizing him in his childhood and hasn’t stopped yet.

Hell, it is a guy that died for him. Steve didn’t have time yet to think about it more, about Coulson’s revival. Nick didn’t explain it with details, dismissed it with simple “ _He’s alive and on our side, Cap”_ and then moved to S.H.I.E.L.D.’s plans. Then, there was world threatening situation and their organization was compromised. Captain America was needed and Steve put aside all his thoughts and worries and cleared his mind – he had a simple mission to fulfill and he had done just that. Now, his doubts returned to him with full force and he leaned back against the bed with a heavy sight.  

“I want to see him” he said, surprising even himself with how firm his voice was. How Captain America he was.

“Not now, you need to rest. Press know you’re here and we can’t keep any information away from them right now. HYDRA took us down completely, they have three from five our bases and we still don’t know who we can trust.” Phil finally reached for his StarkPad and after a moment there was a footage of black haired man, sleeping on the bed.

Steve looked at Bucky for a moment, something in him eased when he saw his friend safe and relatively well.

“How is he?” He asked then. “I mean, I didn’t bit him up too much but still…” _he isn’t Super Soldier. I could have hurt him._

Phil shook his head and smiled. Steve could see his tired eyes and two-days bread. Coulson’s suit was a bit dirty, clearly he didn’t change since the fight started.

“Listen, Cap. We are in a really bad situation now. All the agent’s we can trust are now in Stark Tower along with other Avengers and your friend. Pepper is trying to figure out how to deal with legal things now, but most of us have to go down and hide” he started calmly. “Natasha is going to take care about our public image and humor the government while Sky and Tony try to figure out how to bring back our system. We’re in the dark and we can’t cooperate with other units because… Never mind, Cap.  The thing is, we can’t afford to handle The Winter Soldier. We don’t have men for that.”

“What do you mean?” This was Steve’s turn to frown.

“If James decide to escape we won’t fight him. We can’t fight him. It is too dangerous and he is able to take down at least twenty of our agents. We can’t let that happen, there is too few of us to take that risk.” Coulson put the pad on the shelf and sighed for the first time since he walked to the hospital. “That’s why I am here. You and Sam Wilson have to take care of him. I’ll talk to James when he wakes up and hopefully he will be too weak from anesthesia to fight me.”

“Coulson” Steve looked at the man with seriousness in his eyes. “Promise me you won’t hurt him. He’s my friend.”

“If he starts to cause problems we will shot him with another dart” Coulson promised. “Rest now, Cap. Tomorrow you’ll have many things to deal with. Sam will tell you how it went with James.”

Steve felt sudden tiredness, his eyelids became heavier and heavier. Phil must have gave him something for sleep, probably something connected to his IV. Steve wanted to protest, wanted to tell the man that he has enough energy to talk to Bucky right now and that he’ll handle his friend just good, but he couldn’t make his mouth open.

With a beat of his heart he was asleep.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a bit longer than I planned.  
> Coulson POV. 
> 
> Still no beta. Please sent help.

Coulson left the hospital using back doors, for supplies delivery. He wasn’t in any shape to face journalists and maybe even police officers. S.H.I.E.L.D. was compromised, which also meant every of their Agent lost their covers, their false-identities. It was a disaster. Huge one, bigger even than Budapest.

Phil smiled to himself, not with amusement but with tiredness. His brain began to produce endorphins and he wanted to sit here, on the pavement and laugh, because it was too much even for him. He found out about Tahiti (magical place), he lost his man, Agent Ward and his friendship with May had shaken him to the core.

Who could he trust, when even May wasn’t trustworthy now?

Yet, he didn’t stop to sit and laugh and let it all go. He was Agent Coulson, level 7, probably one of the highest now, since there were so little left of S.H.I.E.L.D.  People put their trust on him and Hell, he wasn’t going to let them down. He was again, Avenger’s handler and he had his duties to fulfill.

“To the Tower” he said to his driver, when he entered the car. Dark one, unsuspicious, because the model was a cheap one. S.H.I.E.L.D. didn’t have any resources right now, other than their own agents and what they carried with them when this all happened.

Phil sighed again, he should go to sleep or rest for a while, but there wasn’t time for that. So he pulled out his StarkPad again and began to sort out documents they needed to save some of their men. There were twenty-two agents being undercover, on a missions from level 2 to 7, that had been compromised yesterday. Half of Stark Tower tried to rescue them, to contact them, but it was dangerous work not only for their field agents.

Coulson hoped, that they will do what Hawkeye did. Let go of the mission, finish it quicker if possible and head out to the main building, try to help.

Or what other level 5 agents did – hide and wait until the dust fell down, then try to find a place in this world again.

Before they entered Stark Tower’s garage, he was almost crying with frustration, because they had lost so much. They sacrificed so many lives yesterday just because they were too stupid to notice that their own agency, their home, was from the beginning, HYDRA’s playground.

“Tell Director Fury that we’ll need to send Clint to North Korea. Five of our agents are there, waiting for us” he said to Agent Hill. They walked quickly, nervousness and desperation hang in the air everywhere in Stark Tower.

“He wants to talk to you about Tahiti” she said tentatively, not sure about his reaction. It hurt Coulson, on some level, that their agent’s couldn’t bring themselves to trust anyone. Even friends.

“It’s a magical place” he said before he could stop himself. It was his automatic response, every time he heard ‘Tahiti’ and he felt like Pavlov’s dog. He grimaced and shook his head, trying to not freak out about how his mind was programmed. On some level, he could relate to The Winter Soldier. It was horrible to lose your mind.

“Sorry, Agent Hill. It still happens” he said, trying to cover his own emotions. There wasn’t time for that. “He can talk to me when I’m done with more important things.”

“Coulson” she stopped in front of elevator and looked at him with seriousness. “Do you trust him?”

It was important question lately. _Do you trust me? Can I trust you?_ Phil had to look away for a brief seconds to gather his courage. He wasn’t going to lie to Agent Hill. They were friends, once. But she knew about Tahiti and she didn’t tell him. No one has told him and it hurt even more now, when nothing was certain.

“No. I don’t trust him” he said after a while, his words heavy. He could see every muscle in Maria tense up and her look hardened. “But I know my job and I’ll do it for the sake of what’s left of my team and Avengers.”

“You’re good man Coulson” she said, this time confident in her words.

They entered the elevator and she updated him on how bad they were with government, especially Natasha.

*

Nearly 24 hours after they caught The Winter Soldier, Coulson managed to find two hours in his schedule. Theoretically he should spent this two hours sleeping or eating or in general, caring about himself and his body. But he couldn’t afford it now.

With another mug full of coffee – Stark was generous, he let them use his own supplies and coffee machines, but perhaps it was because they all looked worse than he after Afghanistan – and two young, level 2 agents on his side, he entered prison floor in the Tower. They brought darts with them, just to be sure nothing will slip out from their hands.

He didn’t want to lose any more men. Even for Captain America’s best friend.

Coulson looked into the cell trough the bulletproof window  and frowned, thinking about the best way to move The Soldier to the interrogation room. In fact, it wasn’t exactly an interrogation room, Stark allowed them to use one of empty rooms in here, but they used worse when they were in need, so Phil wasn’t concerned that much.

The Winter Soldier was still unconscious, thank God for that. Every 6 hours since they caught him, someone entered his room – cage – and inflicted him with another dose of anesthesia. Just to be sure no one dies when The Soldier run wild again.

They tied him to the metal chair Dum-E had built for them. Coulson sat on the other side of small table they had here and waited for one of the younger Agents to wake The Soldier up. Coulson was tense and he could tell without even looking at his coworkers, at his protégés, that they were nervous too.

“Wake him up already, we don’t have all day” he said eventually, when everything went to slow for his liking. He had only two hours and small part of him still hoped that he would be able to sleep for at least 30 minutes.

Agent pressed cloth soaked with another drug to The Soldier’s nose and it took him three seconds to woke up. But not really, not fully. Coulson looked him in the eyes and he didn’t see his mind there, all he saw was fear and chaos.

The Soldier began to breath to quickly, looking around and not really seeing where he was. Maybe he was in shock after anesthesia, but some part of Coulson doubted that.

“Soldier!” He called, but didn’t get any response. The man was panicking, nothing strike home, he was too far gone. But Coulson tried again “Soldier, calm down!”

Nothing. Even more struggling and Phil was suddenly worried that metal chair won’t survive this. Then, they will be in so much danger he didn’t even wanted to think about it.

“Give him something!” He yelled and finally both Agents moved.

“Sir, Mr. Stark has only heroin or adhesive fentanyl plasters, which one we should…?”

Coulson really didn’t want to know why Stark is keeping such substances in his tower but right now he was really grateful for that. But they shouldn’t give The Soldier something that will cause hallucinations. So he decided –

“Give him heroin. Just enough to make him more cooperative” he said, regaining his calm. He watched closely when two men grabbed The Soldier’s arms, he began to struggle even more, and injected him with dose of heroin.

The Soldiers pupils narrowed dangerously, but Coulson was sure drug done its job well. Their prisoner began to breath evenly and with each exhale an inhale, he was slower and calmer.

“Soldier” he tried again and this time the man looked at him, saw him. “Soldier, can you tell me your name?” he asked, part of him curious about the answer.

“Can you hear me?” he asked again, when The Soldier didn’t do anything to answer him. Maybe it was effect of the drug. Coulson could see how much problem the man had with focusing on something for longer than few seconds.

A nod. Good. At least The Soldier could understand his words. It’s better than nothing, so Coulson continued.

“My name is Phil Coulson and I am your handler now.” Two men stared at him with disbelief, but Coulson ignored them. He played this game too many times and he know better than some level 2 agents. His tactic worked, because The Soldier relaxed even if only a bit, his eyes focused more on Phil and for a moment, Coulson hoped that James Barnes is still there, waiting for the rescue.

“Can you remember your last mission?” he asked then and with deep frown watched how The Soldier tries to pull up a mask on his face.

“Yes… sir.”

Coulson couldn’t help but rise his eyebrows. It was good, odd, but good. If he can make The Soldier to believe he is indeed his handler things could became easier for all of them. But then again, the man attention slipped away and Coulson had to call him few times before he got any reaction.

“Soldier. Your name is James Barnes” he said as calmly and firmly as he could at the moment. Then something snapped, Coulson could see it. The Soldier’s face became confused, then fearful, then again confused and angry, furious even, before it blank again.

“No. No it’s not me” The Soldier said, but even level 2 agents heard hesitance in his husky voice. They should probably give him something to drink once this is over.

“Then who you are?” Coulson asked before he could think better of it and that’s when they lost him. The Soldier couldn’t focus anymore on anything.

Coulson tried to call him, to talk to him. Agents grabbed his arms and shook him but there was no response at all. Only when after half an hour of trying to get to his mind, Coulson decided it’s over. He needed some sleep and interrogating dazed prisoner wasn’t going anywhere.

*

Three hours later, when Coulson was more tired than rested after his short nape, they had to shot The Winter Soldier with dart again. Phil thought he had never seen so bad panic attack in his life and for a moment he was sorry for the man. Really, truly sorry.

But then he had to return to his work and quickly he let himself forgot about sleeping man.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The deal is - if you like this ff enough to comment it I'll try to post chapters everyday and maybe some more on weekends. Also if anyone have any ideas about where this story should go I'll be really happy to read them!

„Hey, hey, wait a second!” Steve looked at his friend with a face full of desperation and determination. He finally heard about Bucky, about his panic attack and for the love of God, Steve wasn’t going to stay in hospital when his best friend was scared and imprisoned.

“Sam, I really appreciate your concern, but I have to go. He’s my friend.” Steve didn’t know how many times he had told S.H.I.E.L.D Agents that The Winter Soldier is Bucky and that he is his friend. But it seemed that they weren’t listening to him, or maybe they just couldn’t understand. They all thought Steve must have been in shock after his fall or that he couldn’t accept his friend death.

Even Falcon has his doubts, but Steve wasn’t going to let him interfere.

“I know you think he is your friend” Sam started, really desperate now to not let Captain America leave hospital only in his robe and with naked butt. He doesn’t like press that much. Steve looked at him and for a moment he thought he will hit him or immobilize him, but nothing happened. They both stared at each other and remained in their positions.

Sam in front of closed doors, his arms crossed and pose defensive. Rogers three steps further, brows furrowed, mouth tight and clenched hands shaking with anger.

“You won’t stop me from seeing him.” _From rescuing him._

And Sam did the only one think he could do in this moment – he nodded and then sighed and nodded again. This was really bad situation and he hoped that it won’t get any worse because he didn’t even drink his coffee today. Steve relaxed a bit, some part of his anger flied away and Sam let out his breath.

“Just listen to me, ok Cap?” Sam started again. “Let me help you with this. Agent Coulson said we have to deal with The Wint– with Bucky together. He’s our mission now, right?”

Steve frowned again and Sam cursed in his mind. He wasn’t used to deal with super heroes, especially the ones motivated enough to go after their own compromised agency only to find out their once-dead friend isn’t that friend anymore. But thankfully, he still knew how to deal with PTSD victims and ex-soldiers having troubles with their new life. So maybe, maybe they both, he and Steve, have a chance to save that one particular soldier.

“I know you want to see him and talk to him, but I don’t think that going to his cell alone and unarmed, when he’s still drugged is a good idea” he continued with as much force as he could, because if he won’t persuade Captain America to not rescue his friend right now, no one will. “He will be probably scared and then he could hurt you.”

Sam pointed at Steve’s stomach, still healing from the bullet.  Captain of course was healing much quicker than any other normal human, but it didn’t mean that he was bulletproof and Sam knew it. Steve knew it too, but he liked to think– no he believed, that Bucky won’t shoot him again. He saved him, he won’t attack him again, he was sure of it.  

“So what we could do?” Steve’s voice was softer now and Sam for the first time saw a human in him.  Confused and scared of losing his friend again. Scared of the pain it would bring. Sam could relate to this, he had lost many of his friends in the military and even more when they made it home and couldn’t start living again.

“First of all, Cap, you need to get dressed” he said and a familiar smirk was on his lips again. “Then we’ll get some coffee and start thinking about a good plan to get your friend back to you.”

*

After three coffees and rushed breakfast, they headed to the Stark Tower with a plan as good as it could be in this circumstances. They both knew how small and weak S.H.I.E.L.D. was now but Tony Stark? Tony Stark was as good as ever, brilliant child of science and technology, Iron Man himself. After his operation everything was almost too great in his life, as much as Sam was concerned. At least that was what press claimed to be the truth.

“Agent Hill” Steve said when he meet the woman near the elevator. She waited for them, sent to make sure Captain America is still under control. It was delicate situation, they all knew it. “We need to talk to Stark.”

Maria raised her eyebrow and looked at both man, excited and on caffeine, then thought about it for a few seconds before she answered. “I’ll see what I can do. What’s your plan?”

Steve smiled and he almost looked happy, like three days ago. Maria felt weight lifted from her shoulders – Captain America was holding groups morale, he was the one with hope and faith and strength to motivate them all. He was their symbol. It would be tragic to lose him.

“We want to ask Stark if he’s able to do something with Bucky’s arm. Disarm it or disconnect it” Sam said when they walked to the elevator. “Then we want to wake him and talk to him. Steve wants to take him home, but we didn’t discuss it with Coulson yet.”

“Do you think he will agree?” Steve looked at the other agent with anticipation. It was the best they could think up and if it won’t work he didn’t know what else he could do. Of course, he wasn’t going to give up on his friend. He just wasn’t sure what else – besides talking and keeping him safe, maybe taking him to the place they used to know and love – he could do.

“I think it’s the best we can do now” she said after they crossed two floors. “You have my authorization to try it. But don’t expose civilians on danger. You will need to take darts and drugs with you.”

Sam frowned at that, because it was literally too easy for them to get custody over The Winter Soldier. Perhaps S.H.I.E.L.D. was weaker now than he had imagined. Perhaps they just wanted to get rid of unnecessary problem. He couldn’t believe it, but it was the only rational explanation.

“What level are you?” He asked instead, trying to sound amused.

“I’m level 9” she said with a smug smile, especially when she saw Steve’s surprised face. Captain America was only level 5 and they all thought there’s only five levels. Until now. “Go talk to Mr. Stark.”

*

It was the first time Steve – leave alone Falcon – went to Tony’s lab in the tower. Everyone heard about his beautiful place in Malibu, completely ruined by Mandarin and  wondered if Mr. Stark would ever try to rebuild such an estate.

It doesn’t matter now, because Stark is so deep in his work, in restoring S.H.I.E.L.D. system, that he don’t even notices them until Steve pokes his shoulder gently. Tony jumped, then turned around only to blink few times, surprised by Captain America and – who this other guy is?– visit.

“Hello there” he said, smug and trying-to-be-funny as always. Steve tried to hold his anger in check, because right now nothing is funny to him. It is about Bucky, about his friend and he will never let anyone make fun of them. “Why so serious, Cap?” Stark jokes again, smiling way to widely for Steve’s liking.

“What do you know about automatic prosthesis?” he asked as politely as he could and it’s all it took them to made Tony Stark interested.

*

“We should call it Operation : Snowflake” Tony said with mix of amusement, curiosity and honest interest. Steve thought Stark is an expert in anything that involved technology, but now Tony is standing with him and Sam in Bucky’s cell, staring at the sleeping figure. Bucky is still unconscious, Sam said it’s for their all safety and no one except Steve disagree.

They all see Bucky as a threat and Steve doesn’t know why they can’t trust him – Captain America, but he won’t push this issue until everything go well.

“You say?” Sam stood by the doors, tense and ready to shot Bucky with one of the darts they received form security. “Maybe we should call him Snow White?”

“That’s brilliant! We already have our Prince Charming!” Stark, however intrigued he was, still remembered how to use his tongue. Steve could only close his eyes and pray to God for patience. He will need it.

“Can you do something  with his arm?” Steve asked after a moment.  

Tony once again touched metal arm, rose it and moved in different directions, testing it’s mobility. Then he checked Bucky’s shoulder, where metal was linked with flesh. JARVIS although busy with another tasks, was searching everything that they could use.  

“I think I could just–“ Tony muttered under his nose and then pushed a few things in metal arm and cursed loudly. “Just give me a sec” he said quickly and reached for his pocket screwdriver.

“Tony?” Steve asked, worried about both his friends. But Stark ignored him or probably didn’t even hear him, too absorbed with his new toy.

Steve and Sam almost jumped when Bucky’s whole body flinched uncontrollably and his face curved into ugly grimace of pain. Then, Tony was smiling widely again, holding metal arm in his hands.

“Oh, no needs for gratitude, I know I am brilliant.  Wait. No. I want your gratitude and I want you to tell me how brilliant I am.” He said and in an instant his attention was focused back on the metal arm. He inspected nerve connections and its insides, murmuring all the time.

Steve didn’t bother to understand him. At once, he bent over Bucky and checked his pulse. It was quick, quicker than it should, but nothing else indicated that something went wrong with disconnecting his arm. Either way, Steve felt guilty. How would Bucky react when he woke up only to discover he doesn’t have anything to defend himself with?

“I’m going to take a closer look on this perfect piece of biotechnology art” Tony announced and moved to leave the cell. “Your Snow White should be fine but if not just give him some more heroin. It will calm him down and make any pain go away.”

Steve just nodded, still bent over his friend.

Sam sighed in his mind. How his life became such a mess?

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me so long, but I still have no beta~
> 
> Thank you Luna_Ackles for your support! Please have a good day!   
> (Also I hope you will like this chapter as well!)

When he woke up, something was different.

Everything was different.

The situation he was in? Taken by his enemies and imprisoned – that part didn’t change, yet it wasn’t the same cell room, it weren’t the same enemies, simply because now he has his mind back.  Now he could see things clearer.

He knew everything he needed to and it was a true blessing. For the first time since he saved his target, he knew who he was and what he was going to do. It was so simple, he almost laughed at himself, because how could he forgot so easily?  

He was The Winter Soldier, HYDRA’s best assassin, a secret weapon, ready to be used at any time needed.

Definitely _not  Bucky._

He was so grateful that his mind became clear and simple once again. That he knew who he belonged to and where his loyalty should lay. Yet, the most important thing was – he knew his mission. He was undercover now and although he didn’t remember it, he somehow knew it wasn’t his first ride as a spy. He wasn’t James Buchannan Barnes or so called Bucky, he was a soldier. He was born to kill, to finish his missions and it was all he really needed.

He knew better than to move. Anesthesia wore off but something – probably his instincts – was telling him, he shouldn’t let his captors know that. At least he have some time to think about his tactic.

He wasn’t Bucky, but he could be. All he needed was information, enough of them to make a convincing character. Winter Soldier almost smiled at the thought of who will give him that. The blond man, his target. And when he will manage to fool him, to play him enough to please HYDRA, when he compromise the man and his friends, he will kill him. He will finish his mission like a good soldier.

It was so relieving to have a purpose in life again that he almost didn’t catch footsteps outside of his cell. He cursed in his mind – it was still hard to think, there was too much questions in him, loops that needed to be fill – and remained as still as he could, trying to look like he was unconscious.

The door opened and three men walked in. Soldier’s heart skipped a beat or two, but otherwise he managed to control himself.

“Is it him?” One of them said. His voice was nonchalant and overconfident, it have a bit of curiosity, not healthy curiosity and that freaked Winter Soldier a little. He didn’t know why, but that tone made his guts clench.

“Yup, that’s Buck” said another voice, more friendly one, yet unfamiliar. “Cap, are you okay?”

It took him a great amount of self-control to not open his eyes and see for himself the man he had saved and the man that claimed to know him.

“Wha–? Yes, yes, I’m okay. It’s just…” third voice, this time he knew to whom it belonged. “It’s the first time I see him after my fall. He looks so… peaceful?”

_Peaceful?_ Soldier almost lost his cover, because really? Peaceful is not how your prisoner looks like when he’s trying to fake his own unconsciousness. But he did nothing to compromise himself, he was much better than that. He focused on his other senses, trying to figure out where the men were standing and what they wanted to do with him.

And why the hell his heart was beating so fast when he heard the blond man voice?

“You know we’ll get him back, right?” Again, the friendly guy.

“Yeah, thanks Sam.”

Finally, he got a name. Sam. Winter Soldier made a note in his mind, all he needed now was to see that man face.

“We should call it Operation : Snowflake” the first voice said, sounding amused.

He wanted to frown and almost– _almost_ did just that.

“You say? Maybe we should call him Snow White?”

_Snow White!?_

It was so sudden he nearly chocked, his heart began racing in his chest and his head hurt. But he remembered animated lady in yellow-blue dress, skin as pale as snow and hair dark as pitch. He could hear her singing in his ear and – were that dwarfs?

It ended as abruptly as it started and he knew who the Snow White was. He could recall watching this movie in the cinema with faceless young lady at his side. He could almost feel the taste of popcorn in his mouth and this memory was so livid – it felt horribly wrong. It was his memory, but it wasn’t he who did all of this. He was an assassin not Casanova.

One of the man bent over him and touched his metal arm. He couldn’t exactly feel the touch but he felt pressure on his shoulder and it was enough to made him uneasy. In the last second he fought his instincts to flinch and defend himself. They will put him down again if he do so much as move to betray his awareness.

_Breath in. Breathe out. In and out._ He tried to calm himself, forced his breath to be even and deep. It made his chest hurt but it was worth it, it was what he had to do.

“Can you do something with his arm?” his target spoke. What they wanted to do to him? Were they going to cut off his arm?

One of them was moving his prosthesis, up and down, to the left and then to the right. He made his elbow to bent and then straighten, only to begin to move his wrist and fingers.

“I think I could–Just give me a sec” he said and then Winter Soldier felt so much pain in his shoulder he couldn’t stop himself from flinching and trembling. For a moment he couldn’t catch his breath and his heart was in his throat.

He couldn’t hear anything but his heart bumping. It was a dead circle, he was aware of that, but he could do nothing to stop it.

Then he felt someone’s fingers against his skin, on his _neck_ and he froze. They were going to kill him. They took his prosthesis – it was all they wanted from him – and then they will torture him for information and kill or just kill.

With all the strength he had, he forced himself to stay still. It seemed they didn’t know anesthesia didn’t work anymore and Hell if he was going to tell them.

“Your Snow White should be fine but if not just give him some more heroin. It will calm him down and make any pain go away.”

He barely caught that information, a precious one because now he knew what they’ve been giving him. That was the reason he wanted to laugh and why his muscles didn’t cooperate with him as well as they should.

His target was still bent over him, still too close to him to relax and play unconscious again. They took his arm.

They took his weapon and made him vulnerable.

His heart fastened. _Shit. Pull yourself together soldier!_

“Hey Bucky” the voice was soft, barely louder than a whisper and it took him by surprise. He didn’t expected that. Why his target was speaking to him like that?

Realization came only seconds after. _Because he was Bucky to him._ The real question was, what he will do if he find out that Bucky doesn’t exist anymore? That there’s only Winter Soldier playing his best friend?

“I don’t know if you can hear me but in case you can” his target touched his real hand and rubbed his thumb against his skin. It was unfamiliar and unpleasant experience, being touched so gently. He wanted to take his hand away.

“No one is going to hurt you Bucky. I’ll be here for you, with you. To the end of the line, right? You don’t have to worry about HYDRA. I won’t let them take you back. I won’t let them hurt you again.”

It was strange, to lay like this, with someone caressing your hand. He had to remind himself it was only his cover and it was foolish to believe such words. That man, Captain, would never be able to make him safe. No one would, but when he thought about this more he didn’t know why. It was another feeling, another thing his body or subconscious remembered.

“Cap–“ it was Sam this time. “I know you missed him and that you want to spent as much time with him as you possibly can, but we have other things to take care of. He’s unconscious, he won’t woke up for another two hours. You can come and talk to him later, okay?”

The caressing hand disappeared and he couldn’t feel the other man breath against his face again. He felt relieved, yet somehow disappointed. As if he lost something important.

“Don’t look like that, Cap! You’re not leaving him to death here. Or did you wanted to kiss him like a real Prince Charming and see if your Snow White will wake up?”

“No but– I could use ‘and lived happily ever after’ you know?”  

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